The room was packed with 80 yogis. I
am definitely the least trained, have the least teaching experience, and I am definitely“less than.”
I have difficulty communicating.
My mind is great at figuring out what I am supposed to say. I like to be right. Baron Baptiste asked someone to give an
example of specific language regarding what we are up to. My enthusiasm raced knowing full well
where my aim is, and my arm shot up before I knew it. I was volunteering to
share my big, hairy goal (BHG).
I stood up. Everyone is listening, Diane.
Let your confidence shine.
You are less than. What is you don’t accomplish your goal. Then you would be a hypocrite, a liar
even. Stay small Diane, it’s
safer.
Within 0.5 seconds I transformed my BHG to
this. “In two years, I would like
to be teaching teachers yoga.”
What?
I sat down and the process began. Why
did I say that.What stopped me
from speaking the truth.What
stopped me from putting my BHG in the space of the yoga room in beautifulTulum.I got afraid that people would
question, “who is she to have such a goal?” I just sabotaged myself. Loser. This
went on for 20 minutes robbing me of what I assume an amazing introduction to
my Baptiste Level II training. Shit. Shit. Shit.
What
has the fear of communication cost me?
I am fully aware that I have difficulty
communicating. I avoid
confrontation and try to shape and frame my words to really say what I
mean. This being said, often
what I don’t say is the most important.
Back in January I wrote out my New Years
Ditch List. I gave myself this
task: When I want to say something I will
think how should I frame this, and I will say it.
Do you see where the problem is? I do. In that I will think how to frame itI get lost. All the stories of the past slowly creep
in and the voices in my head (yes, you have them too) encourage me to “say it’
safe. Safe. I talk safe. I talk safe, because I talk with my head and not with my heart.
On the last day of the Yoga training, I
stood up and admitted to talking safe. “In two years, I would like to be teaching
teachers yoga” morphed into, “In
two years I will be leading a keynote at an education conference. The address, will be a yoga class.” Smile.
What has communication cost me? Relationships and honesty, authenticity
and above all, possibility. This
week I am opening up the vault. I
am going to see how self-expression fits.
I am going to connect, to apologize, and to create amazingness with my voice. My voice is going on a wild adventure!
This week I accepted the “impossible challenge” from a very convincing person; myself.This is how it went inside my head.V1 – Voice oneV2 – Voice two
SUNDAY
V1:Figure it out.(this is the “impossible challenge”)
V2: Is there anything to figure out?
V1:Yes, you feel like complete shit.
V2:Oh, you are right.I do.I can feel that knot in my gut.(phase one of accepting challenge)
V1:Go back and reflect.
V2:I should have had water with my wine.
V1: Why didn’t you?
V2:I didn’t want to.
V1:When did it happen?When did you start to feel drunk?
V2: I don’t know.OMG.I tried making a clementine candle and broke their lighter.What did I even eat at the restaurant?(phase two of accepting the challenge)Did I talk?What do they think of me?(phase three: fully committed to challenge) I need to apologize.
V1:How are you going to fix it?
V2:I feel really bad.Really, really shitty.Have I no self control?Why don’t I have that switch?
MONDAY/TUESDAY/WEDNESDAY during all AM/PM and PMSing activities including swimming, yoga, working out, brushing teeth, peeing and showering, while walking, sleeping, reading, eating and during all social engagements.
V1:Figure it out?
V2:Well I am sure they think I am an ass.I have embarrassed myself.What else did I do?
V1: I am sure you can think of more to make you feel bad.Go on, think.
V2:OK.I remember pouring wax into the clementine because the oil spilled out.I flung my
pizza off the plate while cutting with little coordination (memory recalled with prompting),
ooooooh and there is more.I was told there was more.
I could have used his help, or at least a tutorial.
V1:So figure it out.Figure out what everyone thinks of you, what their intentions are, and then feel how you are supposed to feel based on what you “figure out.”
V2: OK. I am figuring, I am figuring … I feel terrible, I really do.
V1:Good, go on, figure it out.Go back, go back far, go back 10 years, dwell Diane, dwell!
V2:I am going back, I am going back.I am dwelling.I feel terrible, my gut, this knot.
V1:As you should.Feel bad Diane, you are an ass!
V2:How can I stop feeling terrible.(phase four of challenge.I asked for help.Externally.Thank you Sharon, Carol and Meg!)
REPEAT ABOVE NON-STOP.
THURSDAY(on bike trainer with no tv)
I think he has it all "figured out!"
V1:So have you figured it out?
V2:This sucks. (current speed 27km/h)
V1: Training sucks? Or feeling like shit sucks?
V2: They both such right now.
V1: Yes they do!
V2: I need some weapons.To combat this big ball of fear and anxiety.
In Patagonia I used some external support to help me walk.
V1:People, people can make you feel better.How they feel about you matters.
V2: No, I am not sure they can or it does right now.
V1:You should fear fear, Diane!
V2:I do … but do I have to?
V2: Did you figure it out?
V1:Maybe …. Maybe there is nothing to “figure out.”
V2:But you are such an ass!
V2: I remember a Yoga teacher named Jason Crandall once say, “you are only truly ok in life,
When you are ok, with not being ok.”
V1:You are not ok.Physically you are hating riding this bike in a stand-still.And you are over-
analyzing everything!
V2:And that’s ok.I have right now, and right now only.(current speed 31km/h)
V1: But, did you figure it out?Go back … maybe you can figure it out!
V2: Be present Diane.Stop going back.You can’t change anything.You can change your attitude right now.You ARE a culmination of “right nows.”(current speed 33km/h)
V1: (sits silently in shadow of bright light)
V2: If I can actually get to the one hour mark of this miserable bike ride, I can ease out of
discomfort.
V1:You have some good ideas.Why don’t you get off the bike and write them down.
V2Should I?(current speed 31km/h)
V1:Yes.
V2:Don’t you dare get off this bike.You finish up your hour.No matter what.
V1: But …
V2:You attached yourself to expectations Diane.Don’t attach yourself to expectations.
V2:But …
V2:Do not live from below the line.You get what you give or you get what you are.If you are
insecure you will either present a false-secure or you will shrink.Have expectations, have high ones.Have high ones for both you and others.But DO NOT attach your feeling and emotions to their outcomes.(current speed 35km/h).Act from above the line.Be secure, ambitions, confident, be brave, do not fear fear, be proactive not reactive, be extraordinary, and above all, BE YOURSELF.
V1: I …
V2:Presence yourself Diane.Your “right nows” are adding up.YOU decide what they look like and how long they last.YOU! Add a positive or add a negative, decide.
V1:(yawns)
V2:You attract what you are Diane!You met the people you did in life because of who you were during different stages and at different times.If you want to be happy, it’s simple, be happy (sweat is dripping off my forehead in a very cold living room).If you want to attract, be attractive.You have everything you need.Use it or lose it.Be careful what you practice.You will get good at it regardless of whether it’s good or bad.Practice being amazing and you will be good at being amazing.Never fear being amazing.Inspire others to be the same; everyone IS amazing.Bring yourself to the present.Repeat often.
Bike time 1h 15m. I can wedge my way through discomfort.
