I had writers block this morning. At first I was gong to write that I was thankful for kindness but I wasn’t inspired. Then I thought that since it was father’s day I should write about my dad. But then the should police kyboshed the idea. After that I wrote a list of 26 areas of my life in which I feel gratitude. Still blocked. Finally I shared my little obstacle with my sister and neice saying, “I don’t want to write about kindness because it’s Pollyannaish and I am not feeling like Pollyanna today. “Write about spontaneity.” Suggested my sister. Perfect.
Today I am very thankful for spontaneity.
When I raced Ironman Cozumel I was going to
write lance Armstrong’s “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional” on my leg
with a black Sharpie marker. I turned this phrase over in my mind for a few
weeks wondering if I could “figure it out.” Oh how the brain likes to figure things out, find meaning, connect, make sense of.
I didn’t write the phrase on my leg, but I
have been thinking of it since.
What does this have to do with
spontaneity?
Anthony Robbins describes suffering. He says that people suffer when life
doesn’t happen how they expected. But we continue to expect. And we continue to attach feeling to
expectations.
Spontaneity (also known as “naturalness” in
synonyms) is something that happens without a plan and with minimal (if any)
expectations. It’s the road less
travelled, the non-conformed, a change of pace, the out of the blue. It’s a surPRIZE, a chance, a challenge, and it’s not always your idea.
Spontaneity lacks analysis, over-analysis, it challenges fear, wedges through your barriers, and it asks you to take the mask off. Spontaneity directs you to the present, living in the moment
and demands that you feel free to be.
So break the pattern, spread your wings,
make space and when the moment takes you by surprise, flow with it and
soar.
The room was packed with 80 yogis. I
am definitely the least trained, have the least teaching experience, and I am definitely“less than.”
I have difficulty communicating.
My mind is great at figuring out what I am supposed to say. I like to be right. Baron Baptiste asked someone to give an
example of specific language regarding what we are up to. My enthusiasm raced knowing full well
where my aim is, and my arm shot up before I knew it. I was volunteering to
share my big, hairy goal (BHG).
I stood up. Everyone is listening, Diane.
Let your confidence shine.
You are less than. What is you don’t accomplish your goal. Then you would be a hypocrite, a liar
even. Stay small Diane, it’s
safer.
Within 0.5 seconds I transformed my BHG to
this. “In two years, I would like
to be teaching teachers yoga.”
What?
I sat down and the process began. Why
did I say that.What stopped me
from speaking the truth.What
stopped me from putting my BHG in the space of the yoga room in beautifulTulum.I got afraid that people would
question, “who is she to have such a goal?” I just sabotaged myself. Loser. This
went on for 20 minutes robbing me of what I assume an amazing introduction to
my Baptiste Level II training. Shit. Shit. Shit.
What
has the fear of communication cost me?
I am fully aware that I have difficulty
communicating. I avoid
confrontation and try to shape and frame my words to really say what I
mean. This being said, often
what I don’t say is the most important.
Back in January I wrote out my New Years
Ditch List. I gave myself this
task: When I want to say something I will
think how should I frame this, and I will say it.
Do you see where the problem is? I do. In that I will think how to frame itI get lost. All the stories of the past slowly creep
in and the voices in my head (yes, you have them too) encourage me to “say it’
safe. Safe. I talk safe. I talk safe, because I talk with my head and not with my heart.
On the last day of the Yoga training, I
stood up and admitted to talking safe. “In two years, I would like to be teaching
teachers yoga” morphed into, “In
two years I will be leading a keynote at an education conference. The address, will be a yoga class.” Smile.
What has communication cost me? Relationships and honesty, authenticity
and above all, possibility. This
week I am opening up the vault. I
am going to see how self-expression fits.
I am going to connect, to apologize, and to create amazingness with my voice. My voice is going on a wild adventure!
This blog-post is kind of like a chain
letter. Several like-minded
people have written the same post, and on-and-on it goes. I have been pretty honest and
forthcoming in previous posts but there is so much more that goes on behind the
scene. I was directed to sunandglory via Christine, and the origin of this post
goes back to the blog creature comforts.
Below are some other blogs that have responded.
These are the things I am afraid to tell
you:
My name is Diane Clement and I am a
pleaser. I want people to like me
and I always have. I often do things that I don’t want to just so that people like
me. Doesn’t sound too bad, does
it? Not until it comes to pleasing
men. I won’t bore you with the details (feel free to let your imagination run
wild) but between the ages of 15-30 I was somewhat of a jungle gym. Sometimes I gave in because I wanted my
male counterpart to like me, and sometimes I gave in because it felt like I was
moving on a bullet train and it was to late to jump. Now I understand why my brothers were over-protective.
I am competitive. I like fair play, but I love
to play. Whether it’s scrabble, a
scavenger hunt, a memory contest, a volleyball match or a triathlon, I LOVE to
participate. I honestly don’t care
if I win or lose, as long as it’s fair.
When it’s not, I have a huge problem accepting it. I have lost medals, rankings, and
opportunities due to unfair play and it winds me up like a jack in the box. I am still 10 years old in this
aspect.
I have this dream. In a few years (my resume says 2015) I
will be the keynote speaker at an education conference. The topic will be “Making people better
teachers, or making teachers better people?” The auditorium will be a yoga class and teachers from all
over the world will be invited to play.
It won’t be synchronized or zen-like, but instead lively and
explosive. Teachers young and old
will stretch, twist, turn and explore what it’s like to stretch beyond the
comfort zone (what we encourage our students to do every day). I worry that this goal is too lofty and
that I am “not good enough” to facilitate such a keynote.
I have been dating a guy for five months
and for some reason I can’t tell him I love him. (Hi Ricardo!) I
keep waiting for the right moment, and so far, all I have done is miss all the
right moments.
I am indifferent about having
children. I am 35 and I haven’t
had that “itch.” In the last
conversation I ever had with my mother, she said, “You know Diane, I don’t
think you will have children. Your
students will be your children.” Moms
are smart.
The most upset I have been in my life was
when I was dumped. First Paul
Zorzi, then Jesse (insert 8 year hiatus of singleness here) then Fernando. I don’t deal well with rejection and
while I know now that each dumping was a true blessing, it still hurt like a
mo-fo. I remember not eating,
crying myself to sleep, and oh yes, wanting to walk in front of a bus. Let’s just hope that if/when it happens
again, my BE AMAZING tool kit comes in handy.
If you are still reading, kudos for your
attention and thank you!
I still look girls up-and-down. I don’t judge, but I do
wonder (regardless of their appearance) if they are happy being
themselves. Then I try to contextualize them and imagine them in their lives. I wonder what kind of people they are before even exchanging words. Lately, however, I
have been seeing all people through a new lens. I figure, it’s better to make allies than
enemies. That being said, I worry
that people are doing the same to me.
I wonder if people are criticizing my shoes, my calves, my clothes,
judging. Right now I don’t feel over-weight, so I don’t worry so much about
body image; but there have been many times when I though (all day long), they are looking at me thinking I am chubby, an all-consuming and most vicious train of thought.
When my mother passed away (in 2004) I was
relieved. She had been physically
ill for many years. It was not
only the physical pain that took its toll though. My mom suffered from anxiety and depression for as long as I
can remember. During high-school
she worked about 18 hours a day to provide a roof over our head and from that
point on, she had a hard time coping, with life. My mom was constantly trying to organize family functions,
and time-after-time, they flopped.
Someone didn’t come, there was a disagreement, tension filled the air,
and so on. The tension in my family caused me to suffer a lot as a child and a teenager. Since she’s been
gone, we have a wonderful get-together (Christmas in July) every summer. My dad is the one who gets to
participate in her place.
I clench my jaw when I spend too much time
in the future or in the past. I
clench my jaw A LOT. I actually
have constant tension and have diagnosed myself with trigeminal neuralgia from
the intense pain that this sometimes causes me. I worry about this every single day.
I worry about what YOU will think of this
post. It took me four days to write it. To date, this was the most challenging one to write.
That’s all I got (minus my incredible
insecurity with body hair).
What I am discovering these days is how
incredibly similar we all are.
There is lightness in the fact that we are bound by imperfection and
that our so-called flaws make us unique and provide us with a platform from
which we can grow. Please share
your thoughts below and keep being amazing everyone.
I have never been to confession, but I imagine it’s somewhat like this.
At the moment, I am trying to live by four core values or principals. I am where I am because I set up a make-shift scaffold (that was easy to take down and put back up) that allowed me to construct my life with purpose. My (current) “big four” are authenticity, passion, adventure and health. This week I was given the daunting task of writing about where I am being inauthentic in my life. Back in August, I wrote about this is my blue butterfly journal that I accidently left in Brazil. I can’t be sure, but I believe I wrote something like, “I am pretty authentic in my life.” Really? Was I that confident? Or was I really being authentic?
There is a reason why I haven’t written until now, seven days since the task was given. Because I don’t want to admit that I am inauthentic in certain ways. Does this make me a hypocrite? I can’t stand hypocrites.
I confess.I really, really care what people think of me. I avoid certain activities because I am afraid of being judged. I tend to share my ideas only when confident. I don’t want people thinking I am a free-loader, so I try to give as much as I take. I don’t want people to think I am cocky, so I shrivel at times and purposely appear “less than.” I don’t want people to think I am a conversation hog, so I keep it short and simple. I don’t want to look like a pig, so I wait for an accomplice when eating and I guard my “I love you!” for people who I know love me back. So where am I inauthentic?
I guess it’s like this. My actions depend on my audience. I am very aware of who is watching, and I have this deep fear of being MISUNDERSTOOD (or is it UNDERSTOOD?). What is that? Misunderstood.
Life is a game. It’s a game that we can and should start over every single day. This week I have had a few successes (I stuck to the IM training plan pretty well, I cooked and baked, I got a job tutoring, I contacted the school about teaching yoga and starting a triathlon club next year, and I met several new friends in the city and I maintained a pretty positive attitude). I also had a few failures non-successes (I missed yoga practice 2 days, I committed to following a vitalizing diet, and I sucked at it, and I have failed miserably not had success yet at my new years resolution of journaling on my in/ability to communicate clearly). But .... who is keeping score?
Xian Horn writes, “Authenticity is where honesty, acceptance, and identity meet and embrace. From there, an accepting and honest place, we can strive to be the best, or better versions of ourselves, every day. Imperfections are only “flaws” if we don’t acknowledge them or use them for something good.”
If I look closely at the non-successes of my week, I can honestly say, they are born from my inauthenticity. I am afraid of ruffling the feathers of the company I keep. I don’t want to be an inconvenience, and the whole communicating clearly, in response, I am experiencing those all too familiar swells in my chest because of things I am afraid to say.
Today is a new day, and a great day indeed. It’s the start of the Chinese New Year, and it’s the year of the Dragon. I am a dragon, this is GOING to be a powerful year.
It’s a chance to start again and learn from last week. Am I going to snap my fingers and all of a sudden start “being” more authentic, more courageous with who I am and believe that my values will guide me, YES! Is it going to be perfect, HELL NO! But each day, we begin again!
SNAP!
Writing this blog-post feels a little bit like this. I wonder if he cares
what other people think. Probably not!
There you have it readers. I encourage you to pick up the topic at your leisure and have fun with it. Run wild, get naked and don’t be afraid to get a little crazy. After all, we are all bound by imperfection!
This week I accepted the “impossible challenge” from a very convincing person; myself.This is how it went inside my head.V1 – Voice oneV2 – Voice two
SUNDAY
V1:Figure it out.(this is the “impossible challenge”)
V2: Is there anything to figure out?
V1:Yes, you feel like complete shit.
V2:Oh, you are right.I do.I can feel that knot in my gut.(phase one of accepting challenge)
V1:Go back and reflect.
V2:I should have had water with my wine.
V1: Why didn’t you?
V2:I didn’t want to.
V1:When did it happen?When did you start to feel drunk?
V2: I don’t know.OMG.I tried making a clementine candle and broke their lighter.What did I even eat at the restaurant?(phase two of accepting the challenge)Did I talk?What do they think of me?(phase three: fully committed to challenge) I need to apologize.
V1:How are you going to fix it?
V2:I feel really bad.Really, really shitty.Have I no self control?Why don’t I have that switch?
MONDAY/TUESDAY/WEDNESDAY during all AM/PM and PMSing activities including swimming, yoga, working out, brushing teeth, peeing and showering, while walking, sleeping, reading, eating and during all social engagements.
V1:Figure it out?
V2:Well I am sure they think I am an ass.I have embarrassed myself.What else did I do?
V1: I am sure you can think of more to make you feel bad.Go on, think.
V2:OK.I remember pouring wax into the clementine because the oil spilled out.I flung my
pizza off the plate while cutting with little coordination (memory recalled with prompting),
ooooooh and there is more.I was told there was more.
I could have used his help, or at least a tutorial.
V1:So figure it out.Figure out what everyone thinks of you, what their intentions are, and then feel how you are supposed to feel based on what you “figure out.”
V2: OK. I am figuring, I am figuring … I feel terrible, I really do.
V1:Good, go on, figure it out.Go back, go back far, go back 10 years, dwell Diane, dwell!
V2:I am going back, I am going back.I am dwelling.I feel terrible, my gut, this knot.
V1:As you should.Feel bad Diane, you are an ass!
V2:How can I stop feeling terrible.(phase four of challenge.I asked for help.Externally.Thank you Sharon, Carol and Meg!)
REPEAT ABOVE NON-STOP.
THURSDAY(on bike trainer with no tv)
I think he has it all "figured out!"
V1:So have you figured it out?
V2:This sucks. (current speed 27km/h)
V1: Training sucks? Or feeling like shit sucks?
V2: They both such right now.
V1: Yes they do!
V2: I need some weapons.To combat this big ball of fear and anxiety.
In Patagonia I used some external support to help me walk.
V1:People, people can make you feel better.How they feel about you matters.
V2: No, I am not sure they can or it does right now.
V1:You should fear fear, Diane!
V2:I do … but do I have to?
V2: Did you figure it out?
V1:Maybe …. Maybe there is nothing to “figure out.”
V2:But you are such an ass!
V2: I remember a Yoga teacher named Jason Crandall once say, “you are only truly ok in life,
When you are ok, with not being ok.”
V1:You are not ok.Physically you are hating riding this bike in a stand-still.And you are over-
analyzing everything!
V2:And that’s ok.I have right now, and right now only.(current speed 31km/h)
V1: But, did you figure it out?Go back … maybe you can figure it out!
V2: Be present Diane.Stop going back.You can’t change anything.You can change your attitude right now.You ARE a culmination of “right nows.”(current speed 33km/h)
V1: (sits silently in shadow of bright light)
V2: If I can actually get to the one hour mark of this miserable bike ride, I can ease out of
discomfort.
V1:You have some good ideas.Why don’t you get off the bike and write them down.
V2Should I?(current speed 31km/h)
V1:Yes.
V2:Don’t you dare get off this bike.You finish up your hour.No matter what.
V1: But …
V2:You attached yourself to expectations Diane.Don’t attach yourself to expectations.
V2:But …
V2:Do not live from below the line.You get what you give or you get what you are.If you are
insecure you will either present a false-secure or you will shrink.Have expectations, have high ones.Have high ones for both you and others.But DO NOT attach your feeling and emotions to their outcomes.(current speed 35km/h).Act from above the line.Be secure, ambitions, confident, be brave, do not fear fear, be proactive not reactive, be extraordinary, and above all, BE YOURSELF.
V1: I …
V2:Presence yourself Diane.Your “right nows” are adding up.YOU decide what they look like and how long they last.YOU! Add a positive or add a negative, decide.
V1:(yawns)
V2:You attract what you are Diane!You met the people you did in life because of who you were during different stages and at different times.If you want to be happy, it’s simple, be happy (sweat is dripping off my forehead in a very cold living room).If you want to attract, be attractive.You have everything you need.Use it or lose it.Be careful what you practice.You will get good at it regardless of whether it’s good or bad.Practice being amazing and you will be good at being amazing.Never fear being amazing.Inspire others to be the same; everyone IS amazing.Bring yourself to the present.Repeat often.
Bike time 1h 15m. I can wedge my way through discomfort.
