Monday, December 26, 2016

Age is Just a Number

2016 marked the year that I celebrated 40 years. 40 years. Some spent in Canada, some in Japan and Thailand, others in Colombia, five in Brazil and five in Mexico. I am lucky that my life happens in chunks. It makes remembering a lot easier.

Thanks to the lovely blogger here, I have put some limitations on this blog post. One being, I will not take more than 30 minutes to complete it. Enough with dressing up the posts so that they are eye catching and pretty. These are the days of, "I have 30 minutes, and that's it."

Back to being 40.

I am 16 weeks pregnant and will have baby number two when I am 40 and a half. I have done the simple math here and this means that when baby 2.0 turns 20, I will be 60. My mom left us when she was 61 and my 45 year old sister is currently battling the same dis-ease that swept my mom into stardust. Numbers carry some harsh realities.

A lot goes through my mind these days, but there is a choice. Focus on what is real and happening today, or focus on what might happen in 5, 10, 20, 40 years.

I choose today.

Today I am growing a little person. I have grown to love and adore Camila more that I ever imagined I could love a child. Her fascination with putting play-do on her toes and obsession with wearing her bike helmet makes my heart swell more than some of the most beautiful landscapes, beaches and exotic trips ever did. And that was just today!

I don't feel the need to chase a place as I once did in the past. But that "place" has become home and that "place" has become people. I am thrilled to add another one to the mix. To face the challenge of having two babies, two little stink monsters, two beating hearts. And oh, the vulnerability, the deep vulnerability of loving someone so much. Doubled!

40 is they number when our family becomes four (plus one furry one). 40 is the number when my sister will turn the corner and see that there is light in darkness, and life at the end of a weathered feather. 40 is the number that marks learning that enough is enough. I mean that literally - the end to feeling like enough is "out there" and not "out here, in here, right here."