I have never been to confession, but I imagine it’s somewhat like this.
At the moment, I am trying to live by four core values or principals. I am where I am because I set up a make-shift scaffold (that was easy to take down and put back up) that allowed me to construct my life with purpose. My (current) “big four” are authenticity, passion, adventure and health. This week I was given the daunting task of writing about where I am being inauthentic in my life. Back in August, I wrote about this is my blue butterfly journal that I accidently left in Brazil. I can’t be sure, but I believe I wrote something like, “I am pretty authentic in my life.” Really? Was I that confident? Or was I really being authentic?
There is a reason why I haven’t written until now, seven days since the task was given. Because I don’t want to admit that I am inauthentic in certain ways. Does this make me a hypocrite? I can’t stand hypocrites.
I confess. I really, really care what people think of me. I avoid certain activities because I am afraid of being judged. I tend to share my ideas only when confident. I don’t want people thinking I am a free-loader, so I try to give as much as I take. I don’t want people to think I am cocky, so I shrivel at times and purposely appear “less than.” I don’t want people to think I am a conversation hog, so I keep it short and simple. I don’t want to look like a pig, so I wait for an accomplice when eating and I guard my “I love you!” for people who I know love me back. So where am I inauthentic?
I guess it’s like this. My actions depend on my audience. I am very aware of who is watching, and I have this deep fear of being MISUNDERSTOOD (or is it UNDERSTOOD?). What is that? Misunderstood.
Life is a game. It’s a game that we can
and should start over every single day. This week I have had a few successes (I stuck to the IM training plan pretty well, I cooked and baked, I got a job tutoring, I contacted the school about teaching yoga and starting a triathlon club next year, and I met several new friends in the city and I maintained a pretty positive attitude). I also had a few failures non-successes (I missed yoga practice 2 days, I committed to following a vitalizing diet, and I sucked at it, and I have failed miserably not had success yet at my new years resolution of journaling on my in/ability to communicate clearly). But .... who is keeping score?
Xian Horn writes, “Authenticity is where honesty, acceptance, and identity meet and embrace. From there, an accepting and honest place, we can strive to be the best, or better versions of ourselves, every day. Imperfections are only “flaws” if we don’t acknowledge them or use them for something good.”
If I look closely at the non-successes of my week, I can honestly say, they are born from my inauthenticity. I am afraid of ruffling the feathers of the company I keep. I don’t want to be an inconvenience, and the whole communicating clearly, in response, I am experiencing those all too familiar swells in my chest because of things I am afraid to say.
Today is a new day, and a great day indeed. It’s the start of the Chinese New Year, and it’s the year of the Dragon. I am a dragon, this is GOING to be a powerful year.
It’s a chance to start again and learn from last week. Am I going to snap my fingers and all of a sudden start “being” more authentic, more courageous with who I am and believe that my values will guide me, YES! Is it going to be perfect, HELL NO! But each day, we begin again!
|Writing this blog-post feels a little bit like this. I wonder if he cares|
what other people think. Probably not!
There you have it readers. I encourage you to pick up the topic at your leisure and have fun with it. Run wild, get naked and don’t be afraid to get a little crazy. After all, we are all bound by imperfection!