Things I'm Afraid to Tell You

This blog-post is kind of like a chain letter.   Several like-minded people have written the same post, and on-and-on it goes.  I have been pretty honest and forthcoming in previous posts but there is so much more that goes on behind the scene. I was directed to sunandglory via Christine, and the origin of this post goes back to the blog creature comforts.  Below are some other blogs that have responded.

These are the things I am afraid to tell you:

My name is Diane Clement and I am a pleaser.  I want people to like me and I always have. I often do things that I don’t want to just so that people like me.  Doesn’t sound too bad, does it?  Not until it comes to pleasing men. I won’t bore you with the details (feel free to let your imagination run wild) but between the ages of 15-30 I was somewhat of a jungle gym.  Sometimes I gave in because I wanted my male counterpart to like me, and sometimes I gave in because it felt like I was moving on a bullet train and it was to late to jump.  Now I understand why my brothers were over-protective.  

I am competitive.  I like fair play, but I love to play.  Whether it’s scrabble, a scavenger hunt, a memory contest, a volleyball match or a triathlon, I LOVE to participate.  I honestly don’t care if I win or lose, as long as it’s fair.  When it’s not, I have a huge problem accepting it.  I have lost medals, rankings, and opportunities due to unfair play and it winds me up like a jack in the box.  I am still 10 years old in this aspect. 

I have this dream.  In a few years (my resume says 2015) I will be the keynote speaker at an education conference.  The topic will be “Making people better teachers, or making teachers better people?”  The auditorium will be a yoga class and teachers from all over the world will be invited to play.  It won’t be synchronized or zen-like, but instead lively and explosive.  Teachers young and old will stretch, twist, turn and explore what it’s like to stretch beyond the comfort zone (what we encourage our students to do every day).  I worry that this goal is too lofty and that I am “not good enough” to facilitate such a keynote. 

I have been dating a guy for five months and for some reason I can’t tell him I love him.  (Hi Ricardo!)  I keep waiting for the right moment, and so far, all I have done is miss all the right moments.

I am indifferent about having children.  I am 35 and I haven’t had that “itch.”  In the last conversation I ever had with my mother, she said, “You know Diane, I don’t think you will have children.  Your students will be your children.”  Moms are smart.

The most upset I have been in my life was when I was dumped.  First Paul Zorzi, then Jesse (insert 8 year hiatus of singleness here) then Fernando.  I don’t deal well with rejection and while I know now that each dumping was a true blessing, it still hurt like a mo-fo.  I remember not eating, crying myself to sleep, and oh yes, wanting to walk in front of a bus.  Let’s just hope that if/when it happens again, my BE AMAZING tool kit comes in handy.

If you are still reading, kudos for your attention and thank you!

I still look girls up-and-down.  I don’t judge, but I do wonder (regardless of their appearance) if they are happy being themselves.  Then I try to contextualize them and imagine them in their lives.  I wonder what kind of people they are before even exchanging words.  Lately, however, I have been seeing all people through a new lens.    I figure, it’s better to make allies than enemies.  That being said, I worry that people are doing the same to me.  I wonder if people are criticizing my shoes, my calves, my clothes, judging. Right now I don’t feel over-weight, so I don’t worry so much about body image; but there have been many times when I though (all day long), they are looking at me thinking I am chubby, an all-consuming and most vicious train of thought. 

When my mother passed away (in 2004) I was relieved.  She had been physically ill for many years.  It was not only the physical pain that took its toll though.  My mom suffered from anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember.  During high-school she worked about 18 hours a day to provide a roof over our head and from that point on, she had a hard time coping, with life.  My mom was constantly trying to organize family functions, and time-after-time, they flopped.  Someone didn’t come, there was a disagreement, tension filled the air, and so on.  The tension in my family caused me to suffer a lot as a child and a teenager.  Since she’s been gone, we have a wonderful get-together (Christmas in July) every summer.  My dad is the one who gets to participate in her place.

I clench my jaw when I spend too much time in the future or in the past.  I clench my jaw A LOT.  I actually have constant tension and have diagnosed myself with trigeminal neuralgia from the intense pain that this sometimes causes me.  I worry about this every single day.

I worry about what YOU will think of this post.  It took me four days to write it.  To date, this was the most challenging one to write.

That’s all I got (minus my incredible insecurity with body hair). 

What I am discovering these days is how incredibly similar we all are.  There is lightness in the fact that we are bound by imperfection and that our so-called flaws make us unique and provide us with a platform from which we can grow.  Please share your thoughts below and keep being amazing everyone. 

Breathe. Post.