What Defines You?

“Of course your knee is bothering you, your ankle is locked.  Relax your foot completely.”  With one precise tug, and an indisputable snap, the bones in my right foot fell into place for the first time in ten years.

I have become a person who is defined by what my body can do.  I race a gazillion times a year so that I can compare myself to my last year self, to my ten years ago self, and then, to the other 34 year olds in the world.  I compare.  I feel great when I crack out a personal best, and I feel lousy when my mind defeats my body.  I do not want my physical abilities to define who I am.

This blog is and isn’t about the Ironman.  What the hell was I thinking when I signed up?  Really?  Was I thinking, I want to see what my body is capable of?  Or was I thinking, I want to be able to say, “I have done an Ironman.”  For those of you who are new to my life and ten year old passion, the Ironman is a triathlon; the swim is 3.8km, bike 180km, and run 42.2km. 

This week I have been experiencing a lot of knee pain.  I guess you could say it started about three years ago; the same time an old ankle injury started acting up. My knee is getting really tight after I run, and the range of motion is lessening every day.  Now, for those of you who know me well, my list of injuries might still come as a surprise.

Broken thumb from falling off chair in 5^th grade - 1986

ACL reconstruction left knee – 1993

ACL reconstruction right knee – 1995

Left ankle sprain from falling down stairs in Tokyo while intoxicated – 2000

Right ankle sprain from falling down stairs in Numazu while sober – 2001

Dislocated left elbow from falling off bike – 2004

Slap tear in right shoulder from almost falling off boat – 2006
Broken ring toe from stubbing into a buried shoe while playing frisbee on beach - 2008

Bumps, bruises, scrapes and scars from falling off bike – 1999 – present

Now, here I am, 59 days till the Ironman thinking, what if I can’t do it? These have been my primary thoughts for the past 48 hours.  What if I can’t do it?  I have thought about what it would feel like to go and watch, cheering on my friends who are also racing.  I have thought about what it means to me; about who I am.  Today I went to the doctor about my knee.  I would be lying if I didn’t confess that a small part of me thought, I hope he says I can’t race it, then I have an out, and the responsibility wont be mine.   Weak! 

Instead, he said, “Of course your knee is bothering you, your ankle is locked.  Relax your foot completely.”  With that tug, and clear snap, the bones in my right foot fell into place for the first time in ten years.  Then the words I wanted to hear and didn't want to hear all at the same time, “you are going to be just fine.”  I guess who I am is entirely up to ME!

What does this race say about me and how am I letting it define me?  The Ironman slogan is “Anything is Possible” and I honestly believe that to be true.  I have just returned from a Yoga Conference where one person in particular, Paige Elenson, (look for her shortly in my upcoming “Heroes and Sheroes” series) has been brave enough to believe she could change the world. 

Will completing this race make me a better person? No.  Will it make me stronger? Maybe.  Will it allow me to inspire others?  I hope so.  This is who I want to really be, a person who inspires others.

This race has very little to do with bragging rights.  It has everything to do with setting an example and discovering what my potential is, whether it be of finishing in a great time, or more likely, not, it's about who I am as a result.

Ironman says, “Anything is Possible!”

It is possible that I get tired and cramped up
It is possible I don't tired and cramped up

It is possible that I get a flat tire
It is possible I don't get a flat

It is possible that I poop my pants 
It is possible I don't poop my pants 

It is possible that I injure myself
It is possible I remain injury free

It is possible that I get an ulcer and grey hair from stressing out
It is possible I continue to spice my food with hot sauce and don't go grey (yet)

It is possible that I don’t finish
It is possible (probable in fact) that I do!

What is impossible however is that I don’t try my best, and share the experience; the good, the bad, and the ugly, of what it feels like to face fear and failure in the face; but to do it anyway.  


What defines you?

Peace!

Di.


Note - out of all the above scenarios, I would least like to shit myself!  I already did that when I was 6 or 7 and have been taking heat from my brothers and sisters ever since!  

Check out this amazing IM finish!