Below are two scenarios. Which one would you choose?
Scenario I:
I live a very secure life. I have a job that pays well, I train consistently, I eat at fancy restaurants whenever I want, I buy whatever I wanted, don't worry about money, I have a car to drive, a big bathtub, a ping pong table in my living room, I sit in a massage chair when at the computer, have a 162 inch screen in my living room, I live on a lake, ride my bike in the mornings, have a maid twice a week, I travel several times a year, and I sleep on a king size King Coil bed with a memory foam pillow.
Scenario II:
I live a very insecure life. I am unemployed, I can't seem to nail down a training schedule, I don't eat out, I don't buy it unless I absolutely need it, I worry about money, I don't have a car, but I take a bus for 2 hours to get where I need to go, I don't have a shower yet, I don't even have a coffee table in my living room let alone a ping pong table, I don't have a computer chair, or a lake near by, I don't ride in the mornings, and yes, I sleep on an air mattress, with a synthetic fibre pillow. I own 1/2 a house.
This summer I did a Baron Baptiste Bootcamp. One of the questions that Baron asked us to consider during a lecture session was, "what is the payoff?" He asked it in relation to the pay off that we get (often unknowingly) when we allow ourselves to believe the stories we are constantly creating about our lives. In this sense however, I am forcing myself to think deeply about what my pay off was in trading in the King Coil for the air mattress; scenario I for scenario II.
It may appear that I have a need for constant change. This may be true. The patterns of my life might have you (and even me) believe this (I have moved 18 times in 17 years, lived in 5 countries and held down few serious relationships). The bigger truth however, is that I need challenge.
Scenario I appears to be great. It is. It's the life many people are looking for, and I don't blame them. I didn't know I wasn't looking for it until I had it. I suddenly started to feel like I was drowning (quite literally). A fear of water acted up full force, I had difficulty sleeping, I invested little into my marriage, I started to edit my words and actions; I tried to squeeze into a space that wasn't made for me. I was a round peg shoving my perfectly rounded curves into quite a rigid, and straight edged square hole.
What was my payoff? I have spent the entire day contemplating this. Interestingly enough, I swam in the ocean at night just tonight (and I didn't panic), I sleep much better, I am investing more into my relationships, and I don't edit as much. I won my motivation and sense of proactivity back. I created a life for myself that requires me to make conscientious choices. I am excited to unleash my creativity and plan my life instead of sitting back and watching it unfold like a paper dragon.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i5JhIL-THGU
If you have the patience to watch this 26 minute video, I admire you.
Now I am working on acting with purpose. There is liberty in being myself; and I am truly enjoying hanging out!
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| She might like scenario I, and she should. Note: This is not a picture of me! |
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| I bet there's an air mattress in there. Is it time to sell the house? |
Namaste!
Di.
Diane: so great to read your thinking and struggle with life... I, too, find myself wondering some of these very things from a different perspective, but still centered on some of the same key ideas - independence, challenge, making life stick, etc. I'll be following your journey and sending you all sorts of positive vibes! Big hugs to you! Shaysann
ReplyDeleteDiane, I always read your posts, but this one I feel I can really relate to! You described so well all the reasons I left the Cayman Islands to come to Brazil. So many people over the years have asked me why I came to Brazil and I find it such a difficult question to answer. I try to tell them it was because something was missing among the champgagne brunches, the constant over-indulgent lifestyle, blurred with boat parties. They look at me like I am crazy....everyone thought I was crazy (except my mom)- especially when I quit my very well paying job to live in an apt with 9 brazilians, unemployed. Those 3 mos unemployed were some of the best months of my life, of growth, exploration, challenges and being true to my self. Now that I have a job, I still feel poor, compared to my Cayman standards. However, my life is richer. I should refer them to read this blog, which says it all so well. Keep writing! You inspire me! :) Carlin
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